On the Friend zone

People have the weirdest reactions to romantic approaches.

One thing everyone dreads now is the friendzone. To the point that some even react to being asked out like, 'oh sweety, I'm sorry. I only see you as a friend'. First of all, why?. Why are you sorry? Is it that bad? Do you find me so hideous that the sole idea of going out with me is so inconceivable that you are sorry that it was even suggested? Secondly, only a friend? is it the quality of being a friend somehow mutually exclusive with romantic relationships? or less valuable?

The thing is, I have found out, that most of this is the result of a weird hierarchy that people have made up in their minds about how they think that human relations work. They have convinced themselves that this is the only way things work. And it goes something like this:

• At the bottom you have 'OMG! why are you looking at me?, go away you creep'
• Then there's 'Who even are you?'
• Then there's 'I'm obliged to hug you the rest of the subway ride so I'm gonna put up with it'
• Then there's 'That bitch that I hate but she is part of my social clique so I just try to ignore her'
• Then there's 'The teacher forced us to work together in a group project, so I guess you're okay', and it's funny because this is actually the neutral level. The positive categories only start from here on.
• There's the 'I see you everyday, I have no other choice but to talk to you'
• And then there's the friends. An unusual category. Because this is people you would normally won't care about. But you have seen them for long enough in your life as to develop a Stockholm Syndrome with their shitty sense of humor and their smelly apartment. This is the people you are stuck with but it's not longer worth it to try to get away from them.
• Then you have BFFs. Your best friends forever and ever. This is the people you actually like. You tolerate and really kind of like them.
• Then finally you have your actual friends. This are the actual persons that you love. This is the level of 'I would sleep on the hospital floor to take care of you if you ever got cancer or got in a horribly disfiguring accident'.
• Then there's your boyfriend.

And it's these categories that resume the whole friendzone problem. Because everyone puts the I would fuck the brains out of you category right after this last three. And since being a friend is kind of a obligation/random thing, everyone thinks that a friendship is less worth than a boyfriend or girlfriend. And also puts an inordinate amount of pressure in the people you fuck with because they are now somehow above an actual friendship. But it's all made up and artificial because you have only met him or her for like three months, yet people believe this shit. Like, I honest to god researched this with like double blind design and control groups and stuff. People expect strong meaningful friendships out of other folks just because they let them lick their face once in a while.

I think that to get rid of friendzone related problems we have to change this hierarchy. So I will share with you my revised version of it. The way I see the world and maybe that'll help you, I don't know.

• First, there's the people I don't care about. I just don't. I don't know who they are or what they do, I just don't care. Here there's a special mention, because this hierarchy has side steps. Like sub-categories. The first one is in this level, it's called 'charity'. This are the kids in Africa and cancer patients I don't personally know, etc. Who I care somewhat but are too socially separated for me to actually care, so they are just charity.
• Then there's the people I have to interact everyday. They are the drones in my life, the NPCs. The McDonalds servers, and waiters and bus drivers. They are the people that I will treat nice because they are making me food and I don't want to get Hepatitis.
• Then there's the people I found to be decent. The other human beings I would consider to have a conversation with. I know them, we trade phone numbers and we get drunk together once a year when we coincide by accident in another acquaintance birthday. It's a nice arrangement and it works. They are pals, I won't go out of my way to talk to you but if we bump at each other on the street I will have a nice conversation with you.
• Then there's my friends, I only have a handful of them. But this are the persons I care about and actually bother to reach out and call them and invite them to do things together.

And that's literally it. You see how it works? No more bullshit in between. And romantic relationships are not a part of any of it. I have a different hierarchy for those. And that's really how I have avoided the friendzone. My friend category is separate and independent from the fuck with category. By the way that one is very simple, it goes: I would fuck you, I want to fuck with you, and then it's I will make sandwiches for you everyday. That's how far my romantic scale go. But it is awesome because it prevents any form of miscommunication of my intentions with other people.

That's why my codes are different and sometimes confuse people. When I say 'I like you' and ask you out what I mean is. 'Do you find me sexually attractive enough to bother finding out whether we'll make sandwiches for each other?'. So when people say 'No', I don't get offended. You just don't find me attractive, and honestly that says more about you than about me. But when people says 'I see you just as a friend' I will immediately answer 'That's not what I was asking you'.